One of you makes the bed, the other’s a messy cook. Does it matter? Households from around the world share their dirty secrets
Oliver Burkeman on the housework gender gap
For more housework tales, listen to our Home Truths episode of The Story podcast
Stephen Driscoll, 45, a high school teacher, and Ai Driscoll, 38, who works in sales, live in Chiba prefecture, Japan. They have a four-year-old son and a baby due in March, live in a three-bedroom house, and don’t have a cleaner: “It’s not really done in Japan.”
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week (not including parenting)? About three.
Which chores do you most resent doing? Vacuuming is time-consuming. Also changing sheets; I put it off until bedtime, then think, “Oh no.”
Are there any chores your partner always does? Cleaning the toilets, the sink and the vent above the cooker.
What “secret” chores do you do that your partner doesn’t even notice? Wiping work surfaces. I notice things like crumbs more than she does.
How many hours does she spend on household chores? On weekdays she generally cooks, so a couple of hours a week more than me.
When did you last argue about housework? A week ago. When I cook, I clear everything, whereas she pushes things out of the way. I started putting things away, and she said, “Get out!”
How often do you argue about housework? Maybe once a fortnight, usually because I forget something.
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? When we hang washing I get the creases out, but she doesn’t. This morning, a piece of our son’s clothing looked like ploughed furrows in a field.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? When I forget to do stuff, I curse myself.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? Historically, men haven’t been expected to do it, and that endures. After we got married, her mum said, “Why is he cooking? You should be doing it!” I feel that my wife thinks anything to do with the children is something she should do; I’m not expected to be able to do it.
Verdict I think I did more housework this week – writing it down focused me. I could probably lend more of a hand in the kitchen during the week.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? An hour a day.
Which chores do you most resent? Cleaning the shower room (in Japan, it’s normally a wet room). It’s time-consuming and slimy.
Are there any chores your partner always does? The two jobs I don’t like, cleaning the shower room and dusting, became his when I was pregnant with our son. Also, I’m not interested in gardening.
What “secret” chores do you do? Replenishing soaps, detergents, condiments, lightbulbs, Kleenex.
How many hours does he spend on household chores? I think he does at least an hour every day. Normally I do more, but now that I’m pregnant, he’s taking on more.
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? Stephen used to go to rugby training every Sunday, and I used that time to do housework. I thought, “I work five days a week, too; why does he have time for a hobby?” Whenever I have to ask Stephen to pick up our child and do the night routine with him, it’s because I have to work overtime. But when he has the night off, it’s to go out and have drinks or dinner with friends, which I felt was unfair. Now he’s retired from rugby, so I’m happy.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? Now that I’m eight months pregnant I feel as if I hardly do anything. Stephen works full time, and after that I make him do more. I do feel guilty.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? I tend to think child-rearing and cooking are my jobs. When a kid gets sick, it’s usually the mother who gets the call and has to suddenly take time off. It would be nice if we could both do that – but I understand that Stephen can’t have his pupils’ lessons blown apart.
Verdict I realised that when I do something, I like to make it a big thing, but Stephen doesn’t think of the chores as a big deal. I was surprised he put such a low estimate on what he does.
Richard Tatschner, 31, cabin crew for BA, and Nigel Tatschner, 34, senior assistant administrator at Cancer Research UK, live in a two-bedroom house in Taplow, Buckinghamshire. They do not have a cleaner.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? Probably six to eight hours.
Which chores do you most resent? Cleaning the bathroom. We’ve got hard water, so you have to use strong chemicals. Once Nigel did it and the grouting is still bluey-green because he didn’t rinse it.
Are there any chores your partner always does? Apart from cleaning the bathroom, we share everything.
What “secret” chores do you do? Refilling the dishwasher salt and the rinse aid. I don’t think he’s ever thought about doing it.
How many hours does he spend on household chores? Two to four hours. He hoovers every couple of days.
When did you last argue about housework? When the Christmas decorations were going up and I asked for help and it wasn’t getting done.
How often do you argue about housework? Once every couple of months, and it’s more, “Help out!”
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? A little, because I try to do all the housework before I go away so we don’t have to stress about it, then I think, “I’ve spent my whole day off cleaning.” I think there’s a little bit of anger in that, but it disappears quite quickly.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? Honestly, I enjoy cleaning. You get to see an end result; you sit back and realise you live in a wonderful home. So it’s worth it. When I come home from a trip exhausted and jetlagged, I see an organised home as an anchor.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? At first we thought this question wasn’t for us, but we have a lot of straight friends where the guy in the relationship does more cooking and cleaning, which is nice to see. I feel strongly that it shouldn’t be the woman’s role to look after the house. We’re in the 21st century: it should be equal.
Verdict Doing the diary, I noticed Nigel does more than he realises, but that I take control too much when it comes to the household. I don’t give Nigel the opportunity to do things on his own. If anything happened to me, he’d be wandering around like a lost puppy – with more green tiles.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? Two to three – and that’s the high end.
Which chores do you most resent? I don’t particularly like vacuuming because our vacuum cleaner is a piece of garbage that needs replacing.
Are there any chores your partner always does? Cleaning the bathroom. Everything else, we both do. When he’s on a flight, I take care of it all.
What “secret” chores do you do? None really. I get up at 5am and tidy, but I’m sure he notices.
How many hours does he spend on household chores? About seven hours – and it all gets done in a day.
When did you last argue about housework? December. It wasn’t a big argument, it was more, “I asked you to do this!” I’m way more relaxed, so things eventually get done, but not at the same speed.
How often do you argue about housework? Not often. I work five days a week in London and I’m out for 10-12 hours, so when I get home, maybe Richard’s been cleaning for a whole day and is frustrated. When he wants help, I say, “I just want to sit down for five minutes.”
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? It’s terrible to say, but not really: Richard likes cleaning. Sometimes I think I’m married to Monica from Friends.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? I don’t think it should have anything to do with gender. My dad doesn’t do anything when it comes to the house, and it’s so antiquated.
Verdict Having done the diary, I know I could do a bit more. Richard’s always been houseproud, and I offer to help but he always says no because he has his standards. I should keep offering, even though I know it’s going to fall on deaf ears.
Fatou Seck, 34, and Jérôme Dubois, 38, both chemical engineers, live in Neuchâtel, Switzerland. They have a seven-month-old daughter, live in a three-bed apartment, and have a cleaner “only when we get overloaded”.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? Between eight and 10.
Which chores do you most resent? Cleaning the toilet and the bathroom.
Are there any chores your partner always does? Cleaning the bathroom, and usually she cooks in the week.
How many hours does she spend on household chores? Eight to 10.
When did you last argue about housework? When her mother and sister left. They were doing a lot and weren’t asking for help, so it took time to come back to doing the messy stuff that nobody wants to do.
How often do you argue about housework? We have a tendency to procrastinate, and I’m probably the one who realises things are messy first; I get angry at her for not realising. There’s no reason to be, because the mess is both of ours.
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? When we first had the baby, I would come back from work to a mess. In my mind she was here, so there was no reason for there to be a mess, so I was a little bit pissed off. But then, when she started to work, I spent one week alone with the baby and realised you don’t have a lot of time to do housework. I knew I needed to help more. So now I don’t feel angry about anything; I just try to help as much as I can.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? During the week, getting back from work late and tired, you just want to read or watch TV – then you see you’re not doing anything and feel guilty.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? It’s just a task that has to be done, so for me there is no reason it’s more a task for Fatou than me. We have the same education and almost the same job: it’s logical to be as equal as possible.
Verdict Keeping a diary helped me to organise, to realise what needs to be done and who does it. I think we’re pretty well balanced.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? 10 or 11.
Which chores do you most resent? Washing dishes and folding laundry.
Are there any chores your partner always does? Since we had the baby, he does the laundry more often. The washing machine is in the basement of our five-storey building. We can’t do it after 9pm or on Sunday, so it’s complicated.
How many hours does he spend on household chores? I would say 15: he does more than me because while I’m with the baby, he’s doing housework.
When did you last argue about housework? When the baby was born, for the first month I had my mother and sister here. Jérôme was doing less and less, and when they left it continued, so we fought.
How often do you argue about housework? Every two or three weeks. Jérôme thinks I’m messy and I think he’s as messy as me.
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? After my mother left, I spent two weeks just getting really angry. The recycling was building up on the balcony; same with the laundry. I wrote him an email about all the things that weren’t working, because I was too tired to argue.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? Almost all the time, because I don’t tidy up enough. At the weekend, either you do housework and feel guilty for not doing something interesting, or you do something interesting and feel guilty for not doing housework.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? I come from Senegal, and in my culture, women have to do all the housework; but in my family we are very feminist. When I arrived in France, it was clear to me I wouldn’t settle with a man who wouldn’t help. Nobody likes to do housework, so I don’t know why I should do it alone. When I met Jérôme, I was lucky – he even made his own chemical mixes for cleaning.
Verdict When we were doing the diary I realised I wasn’t doing as much as I thought, and Jérôme was doing a lot – because I was parenting. I want to organise myself better and try to help him.
Abby Chicken, 35, a sustainability manager, and Alison Camps, 50, director of a market research agency, live in a two-bedroom house in Guildford, Surrey. They have a cleaner two hours a week.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? Five. When filling in the diary I didn’t include cooking– I see that as a hobby.
Which chores do you most resent? Folding laundry, because Ally gets frustrated with how I do it and does it again.
Are there any chores your partner always does? Hoovering, putting stuff away. I think she resents that I don’t see this stuff as quickly.
What “secret” chores do you do? I make war on the ladybirds. We have a loft room with Velux windows and hundreds of ladybirds; I hoover them up.
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? No. I defend myself if Ally suggests that I don’t pull my weight. I’m possibly a bit defensive.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? Yeah, a bit.
Verdict I feel it’s kind of unfair that I’m never the one who sees or instigates stuff. But overall, I think we work quite well together; it doesn’t feel like a chore. If you want to live somewhere clean and tidy, then you’ve got to do something.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? Six or seven.
Which chores do you most resent? I don’t like cleaning out the grate, and I hate ironing. I leave it to pile up and have to ask the cleaner to do it.
Are there any chores your partner always does? Abby does the grocery ordering. She won’t let me into the kitchen cupboards because I wreck the order. She empties and stacks the dishwasher, because she doesn’t like the way I do it.
What “secret” chores do you do? I clean out the grate more often. I vacuum, plump the cushions, run the dishwasher and the washing machine, clean the sink or the loo.
When did you last argue about housework? The last time Abby left piles of stuff somewhere. She would never kick off a row over housework.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? I feel we should be able to cope without a cleaner. I was in a car accident and went through a windscreen; I lost work for six weeks and that’s when our cleaner started. She does things like wash the kitchen floor, which would probably not get done, so it’s a good thing. But I still feel guilty.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? You’ve only got to look at the advertising of household products to see there’s massive inequality. That’s not for nothing: it’s because women buy and use these products. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a male domestic cleaner, so I struggle with it morally: it’s a good example of an industry where women are associated with low-paid, low-value jobs. I don’t want to be that middle-class nob – I am, but I don’t want to be. But if I did it myself, I’d put our cleaner out of work, and put pressure on our relationship. It would impact our work-life balance: what she does in two hours would take us four.
Verdict I was surprised how often I made the bed. Mostly, things get done and it doesn’t feel like a drain; but I could do a better job of being vocal about stuff I think needs doing.
Bernd Mützel, 67, retired dentist, and Julia Taylor-Mützel, 69, retired physio, live in Augsburg, Germany. They have a 27-year-old daughter, live in a four-room flat, and don’t have a cleaner.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? About eight.
What chores do you most resent doing? Tidying up, constantly. After meals, after the cat – it takes ages and it’s boring.
Are there any chores your partner always does? He cleans the bathroom and the guest toilet. We just decided he would take responsibility for that.
What “secret” chores do you do? Tidying up all the time, putting the jumpers in the cupboard because the cat sits on them and makes them hairy.
How many hours does he spend on household chores? Three, being kind.
When did you last argue about housework? Lunchtime. He said he had tidied up the kitchen and that he’d spent ages on it, and I thought it still looked grotty. So I started rushing around tidying things up and he said it was horrible of me because he’d already done it and I didn’t even notice.
How often do you argue about housework? Not often really.
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? We talked about other couples we know and the woman tends to do almost everything, so I’m quite lucky, I should stop moaning really. I’m quite surprised how much they all do. Many of them were mothers with three or four kids, whereas I had a practice. I never felt like stopping working and starting polishing, but these women have always done it so it’s no different for them. That’s why I get fed up and they don’t.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? No.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? I feel as if I ought to want to do it, as if I’m selfish if I get pissed off doing housework so much. I just think it’s a waste of time, though I hate it being scruffy. And I don’t want a cleaning lady because it’s awful, people cleaning for you when you don’t really need it – we’re old now, so we’ve got time. Bavaria is a little bit more traditional; they still finish school at 12 o’clock here, and Mummy has to be at home cooking the lunch. A woman’s work is never done. We’ve got friends here in Bavaria where the men don’t even know where the kitchen is.
Verdict Doing the diary, I didn’t like how much I was doing. Putting stuff in the washing machine, taking stuff out of the washing machine, taking the rubbish down – you start making a list and it’s quite long, so no wonder I don’t have time to do my Italian homework. I just don’t want to spend so much time on it. It’s boring.
How many hours of housework do you do in an average week? Four.
What chores do you most resent doing? Mopping.
Are there any chores your partner always does? The laundry, ironing, taking the rubbish out, and making the beds.
What “secret” chores do you do? I do administration things on the computer, such as stuff with tax returns. Julia doesn’t think that counts, but I do.
How many hours does she spend on household chores? More than me. Six or seven.
When did you last argue about housework? Today. I cleaned the surfaces in the kitchen and took out all the things from the dishwasher, and then when Julia came home she said there was nothing done, and so I was a little bit angry about that.
How often do you argue about housework? Not so much, I think we only argued today because we knew we were having this interview.
Do you ever feel angry about housework but say nothing? A little bit, when I don’t think she notices what I’ve done.
Do you ever feel guilty about the amount of housework you do? Sometimes. I don’t want to do more, but I feel guilty that I don’t want to. I know if I don’t do it, Julia will have to so I feel bad about it.
How significant is housework to gender inequality? It’s very highly significant. Women do more. I think in Bavaria, women mostly do a lot of housework and the men don’t. Of course I could change but I don’t. I’m too comfortable.
Verdict I was surprised by how little I was doing. Perhaps I’ll plan to do more. I could do more, I know that, but I don’t like housework so very much. I think for our family it’s OK, what I do.
Listen to our new podcast on the housework gender gap at theguardian.com/inequality
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